Sunday, November 4, 2007

The Five Best Reasons We've Been Absent EVER!

You may have noticed GSR, the sissy girl that he is, took about a month off and I had an intercontinental ballistic booze missile to destroy. Don't worry, I saved you all from any possible multiple reentry bottles destroying life as you think you know it. Bitches. So, we'll tell you all why we've been gone, just sit tight:

1) Provincial mindset of Brian Dennehy

So I was just walking along the road in the Pacific Northwest when this dickweed starts hassling me about my jacket. I mean, it's a damn field jacket, fuckface. Anyway, I was like, "Whyoo pushinme?"

And he was like, "Blah blah blah, I'm a fucking jerkwad."

So I was like, "Yo, is it againsalaw tugit some'n to eat aroundere?"

Then he said something stupid and drove me out of town, and I know you can see what comes next. that's right, full scale anarchic vigilante fucking warfare. Hell yeah!

So there I was in middle of fucking up some porkrinds when the radio kicks on and dude starts asking for all these guys that're dead. Even Barry, and everyone knows he died of the cancer. Turns out it was some colonel from back in the dizzay. So I let him come and get me in this police station after I managed to shoot up all these civilians and I stole a truck. All in all, it was a busy day. That and I had one of those angry veteran meltdowns again, and they suck. Screwed me out of that job at the carwash last time I had one. I mean shit, I used to drive tanks, you know? Of course you know, you already heard all of it.

2) I got the shit beat out of me on the 4th of July

I was just starting to get my act together, and thinking that maybe I shouldn't be fighting no more. I mean, my locker at the gym was given to some kid. I was getting paid bupkis for beating up the other wannabes who needed to make a buck. And my trainer wouldn't stop calling me a bum.

And then I got that damn phone call.

The guy who arranged the meeting tells me that the champ wants to mix it up with me, and the first thing I could think to say was, "Yo, I wan youtoknow that I won' take no cheap shots, neither. I'll be a good sparr'n partner." And he was like, "No son, Apollo wants to give you a shot to be the champion of the world."

Next think I know I'm runnin steps, chasin chickens, jumpin rope, and gettin worked over by a a gnarled up turd of a man who won't stop calling me a bumb. Man did the 4th of July work my ass, but I think you know that given the chance I'd do it all over again. You never know, this kind of gig could someday lead me to end the Cold War.

3. Unlikely Story, Backward Hat

I had to save my GSR from a life or privilege and wealth with his shoulder pad wearing mother and douchebag stepdad, so I kidnapped him and we went on a cross country odyssey in an old Mack. He was a little shit. I wanted to punch him in the mouth and leave him for the vultures.

Then we had a bonding moment. He was losing a video game and I turned his hat around on his little welp head. Then he won! That incident was very important to this storyline because later, I would reverse my hat and win a new truck. That was awesome in a sort of mid-80's pseudo populist way.

4. Whiskey and Women

So things were chugging along with "The Five." Casey was finally learning how to write sentences without offending people. I was almost ready to start changing my own oil. We were learning from each other - good times.

And then? Casey starts going out on dates, sleeping in tents, and I swear to jebus that son of a bitch actually started to sound happy. It was like how Rage Against the Machine was angry and bitter and awesome on their first album, and then kinda wussed out on their second album because they no longer drove broken down Ford Escorts with donuts instead of tires. And me? I started drinking bourbon and whiskey. I had always been a beer guy, but next thing I knew I was throwing back shots, drinking from a high ball glass, and waking up a 4 am with hot white fear that I was about to piss my bead.

I guess a simpler way to say it is that we both were out having fun.

-"...drinking from a high ball glass..."

Hope it didn't hurt your pinky to be held aloft at so jaunty an angle, Nance. Whiskey is to be ingested angrily from dirty shotglasses and lukewarm bottles. That burning is a comfort to you after a few years, for you know that with every mouth twitch you learn to control, you have just ratcheted one small step closer to quench hardened steel gazes and tattooed women. Also, you should break your nose. Or just keep on the bourbon. Nature will be helpful in that pursuit.

So, I understand it would take months for Happytimes Fun Doll to learn how to drink, but what else kept us?


5. I Banged His Sister

I know, I didn't see it coming. I was told only nice girls worked at the Cleopatra Club, but everyone knows her. Wysteria Lane has no idea who they're dealing with. But, the story is complicated. Listen:

So he had a suave and business like manner and a slough of bad white suits, and I had a flowing mane of unruly locks. That's how it goes here in Cali. So he did some bullshit move pulling over a semi full of drugs instead of doing something intelligent like waiting to see where it was going. But you can't expect much from a pretty boy. Me, on the other hand, I am rebel, though charming and disarmingly unrefined with ladies. I also have a laser sight on my gat.

So then some shit goes down, basically old dude from all those westerns tracks down our asses and has us locked the fuck up. So, there we were in the clink and I'm getting tortured with electricity while he doesn't do shit. I heard later from Stinky Three Finger Jim that Justin gave it up for two candy bars and a collection of paper dolls in the shower. Now wonder he couldn't keep his fine ass sister away from me. But after I put the Caseynagi to her, that's when shit really got...weird.

-Caseynagi? I think I ordered that off of the Sushi menu last night. I was surprised when it promised to be filling and ended up being mostly padded with tempura with little substance. Dick.

So there you have it. For all of you readers who were kind enough to put The Five on your Google Readers and RSN feeds you get a post after about 6 full months off. For those of you who are in tune with me and Casey you will recognize that 4 of the five reasons are spoofed off of movies. The other is closer to the truth. This week (month?) in comments - Name the movies (if you can). Give us your own reason why you think we were absent.