Wednesday, July 18, 2007

The Five Best Types Of The Devils Magic EVER!

Or: You fucking morons.

This is simple as hell. This is a list of our favorite five Devil's Magics around. You know, different fun things that get blamed on the Devil that don't have much to do with spiritous vapors whatsoever.

No reason to drag this out:

1) Bernoulli's Principle

Spelled correctly, this one's pretty simple. Shit moving faster stretches out. You know, like the air on top of an airplane wing or the movement of hyd fluid as it goes from the reservoir to the tubing to the actuator to the cylinder. In the tubing, the fluid moves faster because the diameter is smaller. Then it gets into the cylinder and the cylinder is a lot wider. The fast moving stuff piles up in there building pressure and pushes against the cylinder moving the piston. That's why a little bitty hose can supply a big fat hydraulic system without blowing up.

Anyway, when this is happening in moving air, you can deflect the air to one side causing a low pressure area on the trailing edge of your deflection, whether it's the slat flap of a Tomcat or the back of your hand when it's stuck out of your car window. The air is lower pressured, but moves faster. It simultaneously pulls your hand into the low pressure area and the high pressure area pushes your hand away. Simple, right?

Right, GSR?

-...This is starting to make me think back to high school physics and chemistry. I was actually pretty smart back then, but I don't remember any of it now. Let me just say that as clever as Mr. Bernoulli was, I have always ranked his "principle" well below things like Planck's Constant and Avogadro's number. In fact, I love Avogadro's number so much that I usually take a moment for reflective thinking every October 23rd, and this year I will be sure to wish Casey a happy "mole" day.

Man this post is going to suck for me.

2) Google

Now I hope you aren't looking for me to explain how Google works. That is going to be Casey's role in this post - to explain things. I am going to continue to blame devil's magic for these phenomenons and remain blissfully ignorant.

I guess I see the "theory" behind Bernoulli's principle, but how in the world do you explain Google? The basic process is you enter in a word (any word!), click search, and you get back a kabillion responses. All of which have some type of connection to pornography, Paris Hilton, or Paris Hilton's pornography. The fact that Google can move so fast, make so many connections, and that is now widely recognized as a deity makes me very nervous. I honestly think Google is only two steps away from the world-dominating machines from the Matrix, but in the meantime I guess I will allow it to provide me with educational (read: pornographic) websites.

Don't even ask what came up when I searched for Bernoulli.

-Google. Is easy, it's a coven of Methodist crones who are driven to madness by the being half submerged in positronic media of some sort. Duh. Anyway, I have to agree that Google is indeed pretty much my go to source for all things porn. Now they have Google Scholar which is an extremely valuable source for even more esoteric selection of porn. I think my favorite part of Google is that I don't have all this bullshit political news and weather info covering up my image search "paris+hilton+lepidolite+chert+hidden+cam" like I do with Yahoo. If I wanted to know what the president thought of my porn tastes, I would ask him. I don't need to know about his stance on North Korean medium range ballistic missiles when I'm having an acute failure of imagination.

So, beyond internet porn:

3) Porn

What else is there to say? A bunch of individuals doing different things from standing there half naked to the complete other end of the pervert spectrum. Things I don't even want to type, because then I might have to attain some sort of visual and then I would end up with images of midgets, skydiving, and loose moralled hamsters stuck in my head. Damn.

Anyway, here is what is awesome about porn:

• Drinks at the bar → two people drinking ≅ $30.00

• Beer at home → internet access (prorated) ≅ $3.00

If the Devil is behind porn (HA!), sign me up for the first goat sacrifice. The world economy is pretty much about naked women, anyway, I figure I'm just giving some unfortunate and uneducated people lucrative work. I'm like a really creepy version of Santa Claus with a different color of bag.

Take it, GSR.

-Take it? You end by saying that the world economy is driven by naked women, and that all those involved in porn are uneducated...and then you say "take it?" That is like putting together a gigantic shit sandwich, complete with all of the trimmings (side of chips, toothpick with an olive, etc...) and then serving it to the guy next to you. Thanks man.

I will say this - my wife owns way more porn than I do, and she gets to claim that it is part of her "research." So while porn may be the devil's magic, I submit my previous statement as proof that there is a God.

4) Scott Baio

Can someone please explain to me how Scott Baio (who is 45 and single) still gets to have his own TV show, on which we learn young attractive women still swoon for him? It has to be Devil's magic, right?

And don't get me wrong, the Baio actually comes across as a likable guy on this show. I'm also sure that the amount of tail that he pulled while actually having a "hit" TV show is a normal phenomenon reserved for Hollywood celebrities. But to have hooked up with all of the hot/famous women, along with what I am sure are scores of unknowns.....and still be living it up? Sorry Mr. Baio - the only explanation I have for all of these events is that you made a deal with the devil him/herself.

I just can't decide if it was worth it.

-Huh. I have to confess to never watching Charles in Charge. That is the show, right? The only thing I know about him is from cultural osmosis. I also haven't seen his new show. He just seemed to reappear out of nowhere. So what does all this mean to me? Not much. Considering. So devil's magic? Sure.

Also I should point out that porn is not necessarily erotica, and erotica is not necessarily porn. So I'm sure there are beautifully done money shots on the face of doctoral candidates out there somewhere, but they just don't seem to pay the bills.

Monday, July 9, 2007

Top 5 People To Trade Places With (EVER!)

Have you ever had one of those experiences where you look around, take notice of someone, and think, "Hey - that person is infinitely cooler than me. I wouldn't mind walking in their shoes for at least a day" ? Well, if you have, this is the post for you. And to be clear, I am happy with my wife, my life, and my, wife. But just for fun, I think it would be great to trade places for a day with....

1) Tom Brady - Quarterback for the New England Patriots

Yeah, I know it is cliche' to want to be the quarterback of an American Football team (that was for you soccer fans...the only one you get). But this guy goes above and beyond being a cool mutha.

To start, he has three (3!) SuperBowl rings and he isn't even 30 years old. Even in the years and games that didn't involve winning a SuperBowl he was a badass on the field. He thrives under pressure, he knows how to lead, and he makes very few mistakes.

On top of being a great player, he is also loved by the ladies. He has had several high profile/hot girlfriends, he has been on magazine covers, and he even got a chance to host Saturday Night Live. As a side note (and this is important for you fantasy football fans out there), he rarely gets hurt. In fact, I think his most extensive injury was a severe case of chapped dick, which came from the deadly combination of living in the cold ass New England weather and lots and lots of sex with hot ladies.

To sum up, this guy gets paid millions to play a game where he is a stone cold killer and his season really only lasts 5 and a half months. In the off season he gets to date supermodels, go on television, and retain his badass status.

-While Tom Brady is more or less cool, even if he does play for the Patties, I really feel no need to trade places with him. Now, John Elway, that would be who to trade with. I mean, he's fucking cool. He pretty much lives life exactly how he chooses. He was a better quarterback than Brady will be in the foreseeable future. He gets hot ass Colorado mountain women, which anyone in the know would take over the duplicitous New Englander any day. He has god status in this state. I mean, the guy basically IS me. So, I mean, I wouldn't mind trading with him, but I wouldn't go out of my way. He probably doesn't get to mountain bike every day. I think he owns a couple bars. I could see that being pretty sweet.

Anyway, to get away from the man crushes:

2) John Otto

Yeah, the guy is more or less unknown. The point of all this is that he was a freelance (read: homeless) geologist who plotted out the extreme west end of the Uncompahgre Plateau canyon country when most science was in the throes of social elitism. He was an anarchist who lived his dream. Imagine nothing but field work every damn day. Shit, if mountain bikes had been invented, I would appeal to John Elway to talk to God about letting me do some quantum place taking back a hundred years ago. I know, more nerdy geology shit.

Look, I'm Casey, "Blah blah blah, rocks, blah blah blah tourmaline, blah blah blah anticline."

Figured I would beat you to the mocking, GSR.

-I highly concur. The Unaweep Canyon that is a part of the Uncompahgre Canyon is amazing. I mean, a canyon with two ends and no beginning? That is like a God's geological representation of bounded infinity. What a "rock'n" good time it would have been to be John Otto.

I'm just fuck'n with you. That guy sounds boring. But my next choice is...

3) Casey

Casey is pretty much the most awesome person that he knows. I would trade places with him for numerous reasons, but mostly I appreciate the way he can be rude, insulting, and charming all at the same time. He can simultaneously cut me to my core and make me laugh.

He is also pretty smart, and not just about rocks and pebbles. He knows a lot about a lot, he has been tons of places, and I have reason to believe that he is pretty strong. If I were ever able to trade places with him I would stay outside, get rained on, lift heavy things, and then drink bourbon. Essentially, I would kick ass and take names.

Oh yeah, he also has pendulous balls.

-Interesting here. I don't know how to concur with you. I mean, you are right about everything you said there, but if I were to trade places with me, I think the universe would have an awesomeness singularity of some sort. The coolness of being me would wipe out all of existence in one flash of more or less furry corpulence. then who would be around to be cool? I know, I know, God and stuff. Whatever. What about me? How could I enjoy being so cool if I caused the end of all things including the coolness of me?

Or possibly my awesomeness is platonic in nature? Maybe I am indeed the fire behind the objects behind the viewer in the cave. The rest of existence's coolness is relative to the shadows cast by my presence. That makes more sense, but to make all this come one home, I nominate:

4) Anyone Who Dates Me

Really, I am jealous of the women who are involved with me. I mean, I really have had nothing if not amazing women come through my life, they're great. On the other hand, I always feel robbed because while I am dating greatness, they are dating perfection. I feel like I'm maybe giving more than them in the long run, even though my overall awesomeness is pretty much effortless. How can these women not have twinges of guilt dating me and never quite giving as much? Especially with how really decent and kind all of them have been.

Sometimes I wish I could marvel at me outside of me. I know my perceptions of self are not skewed in any manner except possibly by simple over exposure to my own greatness. What if I'm not getting the true scope, the proliferating magnitude, of how completely perfect I am?

These are the things that keep me up at night. Did you ever hear the parable of the stonecutter who was granted the ability to become whatever he wanted? He eventually, after a series of objects he found to be less than all powerful, he became a mountain. Then a stonecutter chipped off his toe. I mean, that's my conundrum, here. What is better, being me or knowing me?

-Damn...I've got no response here. It sounds like you saying that you essentially want to fuck yourself, which is what many people have been telling you to do for quite some time. This is indeed heavy stuff.

So now I turn it over to you the reader(s). Who would you trade places with? Why?

And I'm sorry I already took "Casey" as an answer. I trust you will come up with something.