Wednesday, July 18, 2007

The Five Best Types Of The Devils Magic EVER!

Or: You fucking morons.

This is simple as hell. This is a list of our favorite five Devil's Magics around. You know, different fun things that get blamed on the Devil that don't have much to do with spiritous vapors whatsoever.

No reason to drag this out:

1) Bernoulli's Principle

Spelled correctly, this one's pretty simple. Shit moving faster stretches out. You know, like the air on top of an airplane wing or the movement of hyd fluid as it goes from the reservoir to the tubing to the actuator to the cylinder. In the tubing, the fluid moves faster because the diameter is smaller. Then it gets into the cylinder and the cylinder is a lot wider. The fast moving stuff piles up in there building pressure and pushes against the cylinder moving the piston. That's why a little bitty hose can supply a big fat hydraulic system without blowing up.

Anyway, when this is happening in moving air, you can deflect the air to one side causing a low pressure area on the trailing edge of your deflection, whether it's the slat flap of a Tomcat or the back of your hand when it's stuck out of your car window. The air is lower pressured, but moves faster. It simultaneously pulls your hand into the low pressure area and the high pressure area pushes your hand away. Simple, right?

Right, GSR?

-...This is starting to make me think back to high school physics and chemistry. I was actually pretty smart back then, but I don't remember any of it now. Let me just say that as clever as Mr. Bernoulli was, I have always ranked his "principle" well below things like Planck's Constant and Avogadro's number. In fact, I love Avogadro's number so much that I usually take a moment for reflective thinking every October 23rd, and this year I will be sure to wish Casey a happy "mole" day.

Man this post is going to suck for me.

2) Google

Now I hope you aren't looking for me to explain how Google works. That is going to be Casey's role in this post - to explain things. I am going to continue to blame devil's magic for these phenomenons and remain blissfully ignorant.

I guess I see the "theory" behind Bernoulli's principle, but how in the world do you explain Google? The basic process is you enter in a word (any word!), click search, and you get back a kabillion responses. All of which have some type of connection to pornography, Paris Hilton, or Paris Hilton's pornography. The fact that Google can move so fast, make so many connections, and that is now widely recognized as a deity makes me very nervous. I honestly think Google is only two steps away from the world-dominating machines from the Matrix, but in the meantime I guess I will allow it to provide me with educational (read: pornographic) websites.

Don't even ask what came up when I searched for Bernoulli.

-Google. Is easy, it's a coven of Methodist crones who are driven to madness by the being half submerged in positronic media of some sort. Duh. Anyway, I have to agree that Google is indeed pretty much my go to source for all things porn. Now they have Google Scholar which is an extremely valuable source for even more esoteric selection of porn. I think my favorite part of Google is that I don't have all this bullshit political news and weather info covering up my image search "paris+hilton+lepidolite+chert+hidden+cam" like I do with Yahoo. If I wanted to know what the president thought of my porn tastes, I would ask him. I don't need to know about his stance on North Korean medium range ballistic missiles when I'm having an acute failure of imagination.

So, beyond internet porn:

3) Porn

What else is there to say? A bunch of individuals doing different things from standing there half naked to the complete other end of the pervert spectrum. Things I don't even want to type, because then I might have to attain some sort of visual and then I would end up with images of midgets, skydiving, and loose moralled hamsters stuck in my head. Damn.

Anyway, here is what is awesome about porn:

• Drinks at the bar → two people drinking ≅ $30.00

• Beer at home → internet access (prorated) ≅ $3.00

If the Devil is behind porn (HA!), sign me up for the first goat sacrifice. The world economy is pretty much about naked women, anyway, I figure I'm just giving some unfortunate and uneducated people lucrative work. I'm like a really creepy version of Santa Claus with a different color of bag.

Take it, GSR.

-Take it? You end by saying that the world economy is driven by naked women, and that all those involved in porn are uneducated...and then you say "take it?" That is like putting together a gigantic shit sandwich, complete with all of the trimmings (side of chips, toothpick with an olive, etc...) and then serving it to the guy next to you. Thanks man.

I will say this - my wife owns way more porn than I do, and she gets to claim that it is part of her "research." So while porn may be the devil's magic, I submit my previous statement as proof that there is a God.

4) Scott Baio

Can someone please explain to me how Scott Baio (who is 45 and single) still gets to have his own TV show, on which we learn young attractive women still swoon for him? It has to be Devil's magic, right?

And don't get me wrong, the Baio actually comes across as a likable guy on this show. I'm also sure that the amount of tail that he pulled while actually having a "hit" TV show is a normal phenomenon reserved for Hollywood celebrities. But to have hooked up with all of the hot/famous women, along with what I am sure are scores of unknowns.....and still be living it up? Sorry Mr. Baio - the only explanation I have for all of these events is that you made a deal with the devil him/herself.

I just can't decide if it was worth it.

-Huh. I have to confess to never watching Charles in Charge. That is the show, right? The only thing I know about him is from cultural osmosis. I also haven't seen his new show. He just seemed to reappear out of nowhere. So what does all this mean to me? Not much. Considering. So devil's magic? Sure.

Also I should point out that porn is not necessarily erotica, and erotica is not necessarily porn. So I'm sure there are beautifully done money shots on the face of doctoral candidates out there somewhere, but they just don't seem to pay the bills.


Momentary Academic said...

Crushes. They are Devils Magic.

They're the best and the worst.

Casey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Casey said...

I believe I detect sarcasm and/or snottiness. I don't care what you think, she's the best girl (EVER!) I've run into.

Momentary Academic said...

Nice with the solipsism. It isn't *always* about you, you know.

Grad School Reject said...

MA - He doesn't know.

You can call me, Sir said...

Reality TV
Carlos Mencia
The pharmaceutical industry

Reality TV allows mouth-breathing voyeurs to watch other mouth-breathers willingly submit themselves to situations that will inevitably be emotionally crippling. Geniuses. Ever seen lemmings follow one another over a cliff into oblivion? I give you...reality TV audiences.

I'm a big Comedy Central fan, but their decision to give a talentless, tactless dipshit like Carlos Mencia his own show points directly to the devil.

Listen to the disclaimers that begin halfway through drug commercials. You need drugs to offset the drugs that you just took to offset the other drug that you took earlier, which was AAAIIIIEEEEEE! I'm a grad student in Genetics and I'd rather be dead than take some drugs that are on the market right now. Except for painkillers. Sweet sweet vicodin.

Seriously...I think the human race is reality TV for the devil.

cuff said...

I always heard that the devil was in the details. Or was that "Stairway to Heaven" played backwards at 66.6 RPM?

Backmasking just isn't as much fun in the digital era.

Claven said...

Laughing too much to come up with anything over here. I'll try again later.

The Last Unicorn said...

"loose moralled hamsters" = hilarious.

This post was entertaining. As for the devil's magic ... Bono from U2, I'm convinced signed a pact with the devil the same time he was signing the Apple marketing contract. OR perhaps Apple IS the dark side, and Google is the light side?

(my mac overheated and burned my thigh today while blogging ... an omen?)

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