The 5 Best Songs by Really Bad Bands Ever!

This week we are taking a break from the literary realm, and entering into the equally as entertaining world of music. For those of you read our other blogs you are by now very familiar with the idea that Casey and I love music. We don't always see eye to eye, but more often than not we are coming from a similar place.

So in the spirit of music, this week "The 5" is counting down the top 5 Best Songs from Really Bad Bands. The criteria is simple: The songs have to be ones that we really liked at the time of their release, and at the same time the band has to be one that we otherwise would never consider putting on the jukebox. Make sense? To help illuminate the topic I present to you:

(5) Here I Go Again - by Whitesnake

This song has everything that a good power ballad needs. Slow buildup? Check. Drums that start on the second verse? Check. Crazy-ass lead singer? Check. Kick ass music video with hot lady? Check -and I know that at least Mysterygirl! has already mentally filled in the name of said "hot lady." Every time this song comes on at a bar or on the radio I want to crank it up, and I secretly hope that everyone around me will start singing along.

But with all this said, I would never ever play another song by Whitesnake on the jukebox, mp3 player, or my clarinet (but that does now have me thinking....). In fact, I can't even name another Whitesnake song, let alone the name of one of their albums. This all adds up to a kick ass song, but terrible band.

Man, are you serious? This song is terrible, even if I do know all the words. This song immediately takes me back to alligator shirts and shitty TV reception we had to pull in from Albuquerque. I'm having flashbacks of my sister's Hairnet hairspray wafting through the faux-wood paneled house. Yes, it has all the earmarks of a power ballad, way to go. It's songs like this that lead someone into November Rain, and that is just not acceptable. I have to say, though, this song does improve my pool game. So does Freebird. I'm not sure what that means.

To try and redeem this list:

(4) Home Again - by Hootie and the Blowfish

I know, the band is terrible, the album was painful, and the singer sounds like he gargles retard juice. The point is, this song is beautiful. It touches on all the great requirements of a real, unpowered, ballad. 3/4 time. Key of D, though capoed up to E. A guitar solo that builds counter melody through the second verse and explodes in clean toned awesomeness. To indulge music trivia a little, imagine a 3/4 slowed down bluegrass shuffle going IV , V , I , IV , vi, IV , V , V7sus4. I'm crying a little just thinking about that progression. And in the second half of the verse where they drop the Em, it's like the sky is crying along. The literal sky, not the song that's probably eligible for this list. Let's all go home again, indeed. Find where we have been. Time is never understood. In fact, I want to get a letter from you that will say: "Dear Casey, I'm sorry for the Whitesnake, could you stop to see me, :-)"

By the way, this band is notorious, at least locally, as in with me, for throwing a genius song onto a lackluster album. These guys are a big reason I picked up guitar and played only songs from before 1972.

Casey, I will give you credit for picking a terrible band. As for that song, I'm pretty sure it is still performed by Darius Rucker and his voice drives me bat-shit crazy. Plus, David Coverdale from Whitesnake would totally take down Darius "Hootie" Rucker if there were ever locked in a steel cage. Also, I'm pretty sure your "Roman Numeral Lock" was accidentally depressed a few minutes ago. Now, if you will excuse me *ahem*: I've made up my mind, and I ain't wasting no more time, cause here I go again....

(3) More Than Words - Extreme

Man does this song bring back memories. This song came out when a string of the so-called Monster Ballads were on the radio, but this song always stood out to me. Great acoustic guitar play. Harmonies in the vocals. And the entire slow, sweet song boiled down to a guy trying to get a girl to sleep with him. I played this song for many ladies back in high school - not a single one fell for it. I don't blame the song though, and I am more inclined to think I struck out because I thought snapping a girls bra strap was a legitimate dating "move." Once again, here is a great song by a band that went on to absolutely nothing else. Nada. Zip. Zero.

GSR, I have to agree with you on this one. The song is timeless. The band is 1990. And, no, all my time mastering this song out of Acoustic Guitar eXtreme Monthly did not help me get laid. That is until I learned the secret formula. Fuck the guitar, buy a motorcycle.

(2) Fishin' In the Dark - Nitty Gritty Dirt Band

Once again, how did this band make this song? With the exception of their appearance in the terrible movie Paint Your Wagon Red, I have never heard them play a single song I like. I hate shitty country music bullshit, but this song makes me feel like selling all my belongin's and living on a raft. The intro to this song, with its stuttering acoustic guitar playing a simple walk and the plainative vocals are a sure fire way to get me singing in a bar, provided enough liquor has been sacrificed to the gods of inhibition. I love the melodies. Growing up in a confusing, snake-handling cult-like religion in the backwoods of Colorado, I have an abiding soft spot for country accents and their harmonizing. This song could almost be sang under a tent with all day singing and dinner on the ground and not be out of place.

Plus, rivers garner totemic status with me. And women lying on their backs in moonlight with all the holiness of hydrological mysterious morphology going by in the eddies of black water gets my geology bone tingling.

-I'll chime in on this one to say that I grew up on the music of the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, so they hold a special place in my heart. A little known fact about the NGDB is that they were the first U.S. band to be granted a world tour in the Soviet Union during the 1970s. In fact, many Cold War scholars believe that the friction between the U.S. and the U.S.S.R. was ultimately diffused by a combination of the NGDB visit, and the movie Rocky IV. If you have never seen Rocky IV, let me just say that at the end of the movie Rocky delivers the final blow to the Cold War (which ended shortly after the movie release).

-Do you have any evidence to support this? I hate to raise the bullshit flag, but the wind is blowing and the brown tide is in. I think you made all of that up. I applaud you for adding another aspect to the aesthetic of this site--complete fabrication. For complete fabrication involving Rocky, I raise the chant of ovation!

-And for #1, we the management have decided to leave that wide open. Since this blog was designed with the hope of getting some audience support and participation we are asking you to contribute your #1 song to the list of "Best Songs by Really Bad Bands Ever!" (Ed. note - you will be required to use an exclamation point) The management will analyze and vote on the entries, and later this week we will add the best entry to our current list of 5.

GSR thinks this blog is about audience support. I think it is about being right. Try and add something for us to agree on by Saturday.

Best Songs by Bad Bands in comments.