Monday, July 9, 2007

Top 5 People To Trade Places With (EVER!)

Have you ever had one of those experiences where you look around, take notice of someone, and think, "Hey - that person is infinitely cooler than me. I wouldn't mind walking in their shoes for at least a day" ? Well, if you have, this is the post for you. And to be clear, I am happy with my wife, my life, and my, wife. But just for fun, I think it would be great to trade places for a day with....

1) Tom Brady - Quarterback for the New England Patriots

Yeah, I know it is cliche' to want to be the quarterback of an American Football team (that was for you soccer fans...the only one you get). But this guy goes above and beyond being a cool mutha.

To start, he has three (3!) SuperBowl rings and he isn't even 30 years old. Even in the years and games that didn't involve winning a SuperBowl he was a badass on the field. He thrives under pressure, he knows how to lead, and he makes very few mistakes.

On top of being a great player, he is also loved by the ladies. He has had several high profile/hot girlfriends, he has been on magazine covers, and he even got a chance to host Saturday Night Live. As a side note (and this is important for you fantasy football fans out there), he rarely gets hurt. In fact, I think his most extensive injury was a severe case of chapped dick, which came from the deadly combination of living in the cold ass New England weather and lots and lots of sex with hot ladies.

To sum up, this guy gets paid millions to play a game where he is a stone cold killer and his season really only lasts 5 and a half months. In the off season he gets to date supermodels, go on television, and retain his badass status.

-While Tom Brady is more or less cool, even if he does play for the Patties, I really feel no need to trade places with him. Now, John Elway, that would be who to trade with. I mean, he's fucking cool. He pretty much lives life exactly how he chooses. He was a better quarterback than Brady will be in the foreseeable future. He gets hot ass Colorado mountain women, which anyone in the know would take over the duplicitous New Englander any day. He has god status in this state. I mean, the guy basically IS me. So, I mean, I wouldn't mind trading with him, but I wouldn't go out of my way. He probably doesn't get to mountain bike every day. I think he owns a couple bars. I could see that being pretty sweet.

Anyway, to get away from the man crushes:

2) John Otto

Yeah, the guy is more or less unknown. The point of all this is that he was a freelance (read: homeless) geologist who plotted out the extreme west end of the Uncompahgre Plateau canyon country when most science was in the throes of social elitism. He was an anarchist who lived his dream. Imagine nothing but field work every damn day. Shit, if mountain bikes had been invented, I would appeal to John Elway to talk to God about letting me do some quantum place taking back a hundred years ago. I know, more nerdy geology shit.

Look, I'm Casey, "Blah blah blah, rocks, blah blah blah tourmaline, blah blah blah anticline."

Figured I would beat you to the mocking, GSR.

-I highly concur. The Unaweep Canyon that is a part of the Uncompahgre Canyon is amazing. I mean, a canyon with two ends and no beginning? That is like a God's geological representation of bounded infinity. What a "rock'n" good time it would have been to be John Otto.

I'm just fuck'n with you. That guy sounds boring. But my next choice is...

3) Casey

Casey is pretty much the most awesome person that he knows. I would trade places with him for numerous reasons, but mostly I appreciate the way he can be rude, insulting, and charming all at the same time. He can simultaneously cut me to my core and make me laugh.

He is also pretty smart, and not just about rocks and pebbles. He knows a lot about a lot, he has been tons of places, and I have reason to believe that he is pretty strong. If I were ever able to trade places with him I would stay outside, get rained on, lift heavy things, and then drink bourbon. Essentially, I would kick ass and take names.

Oh yeah, he also has pendulous balls.

-Interesting here. I don't know how to concur with you. I mean, you are right about everything you said there, but if I were to trade places with me, I think the universe would have an awesomeness singularity of some sort. The coolness of being me would wipe out all of existence in one flash of more or less furry corpulence. then who would be around to be cool? I know, I know, God and stuff. Whatever. What about me? How could I enjoy being so cool if I caused the end of all things including the coolness of me?

Or possibly my awesomeness is platonic in nature? Maybe I am indeed the fire behind the objects behind the viewer in the cave. The rest of existence's coolness is relative to the shadows cast by my presence. That makes more sense, but to make all this come one home, I nominate:

4) Anyone Who Dates Me

Really, I am jealous of the women who are involved with me. I mean, I really have had nothing if not amazing women come through my life, they're great. On the other hand, I always feel robbed because while I am dating greatness, they are dating perfection. I feel like I'm maybe giving more than them in the long run, even though my overall awesomeness is pretty much effortless. How can these women not have twinges of guilt dating me and never quite giving as much? Especially with how really decent and kind all of them have been.

Sometimes I wish I could marvel at me outside of me. I know my perceptions of self are not skewed in any manner except possibly by simple over exposure to my own greatness. What if I'm not getting the true scope, the proliferating magnitude, of how completely perfect I am?

These are the things that keep me up at night. Did you ever hear the parable of the stonecutter who was granted the ability to become whatever he wanted? He eventually, after a series of objects he found to be less than all powerful, he became a mountain. Then a stonecutter chipped off his toe. I mean, that's my conundrum, here. What is better, being me or knowing me?

-Damn...I've got no response here. It sounds like you saying that you essentially want to fuck yourself, which is what many people have been telling you to do for quite some time. This is indeed heavy stuff.

So now I turn it over to you the reader(s). Who would you trade places with? Why?

And I'm sorry I already took "Casey" as an answer. I trust you will come up with something.


Momentary Academic said...

I think that I would like to trade places with stephen hawking. I'd like to know what it's like to be so incredibly brilliant.

And then I'd like to be Halle Berry as well. Her new boyfriend is hot and so is she.

Lord Chimmy said...

Tom Brady was a good choice only because he knocked up Bridget Moynahan & left her to date Gisele B√ľndchen.

That being said, I wouldn't mind being Kelly Slater for a day. Before Gisele was with Brady she was with Slater (how I love Gisele). Plus, the dude makes a living surfing (and he's pretty fucking good at it too). He's got a lifestyle worthy of envy.

You can call me, 'Sir' said...

Like both of you, I'm pretty happy with myself. I've endured alot a of shit to get to this point, so, y'know, I'm better than everyone else. Catch up, bitches!

Still, I suppose if I had to choose someone else it'd easily be Tiger Woods. I've been golfing since I was about 5 years old and I've always been pretty good, but have never been able to get over the mental hump that separates good from great. Tiger passed the hump when he was 14 and is still laughing at how small it was. And then let us consider his Swedish-former-model of a wife. And he's a new dad. And I think his yacht has similar square footage to my house. And, really, he's just an all-around good guy. Plus all that getting paid for traveling the world to golf. There's no sucking in that.

cuff said...

I would wait until I got to be about dead, then I would trade places with a baby. Of course that wouldn't be fair to the baby, so at the last minute I'd back out and go to my death a better person...

Casey said...

Funny, Stephen Hawking's wife recently left him. Proof positive that women's insistence that they don't car as long as a guy's smart and funny is bullshit.

You can call me, 'Sir' said...

I had no idea Stephen Hawking was married. Truly, I can't imagine what could've provoked a divorce at this stage. If she married him when he had the creepy voice and the eternal smirk, what could've possibly pushed her over the edge? He definitely doesn't strike me as the type who has affairs.

Claven said...

Kelly Slater also bagged Pam Anderson and plays the gee-tar with Jack Johnson and Eddie Vedder...but he is bald.

My first choice is Elmer Fudd. Because he owns a mansion and a yacht. For an actual person, I go with Portia de Rossi. Smoking hot and all the chicks would dig me...not that they don't already.

Lord Chimmy said...

Claven has shown me the light yet again.

mysterygirl! said...

Now that he's a baby-daddy, Tom Brady's life is a bit more complicated. But better to be him than Kyle Boller.

"Funny, Stephen Hawking's wife recently left him. Proof positive that women's insistence that they don't car as long as a guy's smart and funny is bullshit."

Oh, please. The fact that she married him in the first place and was his wife for over a decade (and his first wife was with him for 25 years) seems to prove that women do get involved with men for non-shallow reasons. But carry on with your casual misogyny. :)

Casey said...

Who said it was casual?

anaglyph said...

Hmmm. WAY too much information about Casey with the pendulous balls & all.

Casey said...

The Esteemed Reverend: I agree about it being way too much information on my anatomy. You would have had to been there a month ago on wherever this started coming up. I apologize for our base behavior. Please flick the frayed rope in our direction.

Laughing through my chardonnay said...

Tom Brady is an excelent choice. Despite the fact that he is one cocky mo fo.