Thursday, August 16, 2007

Top 5 Women You Shouldn't Be Attracted To, But Yet You Still Are EVER!

I'm going to give some credit to a favorite blogger of mine for this topic. She introduced me to the phrase "back alley" hot the other week, and I it got me thinking. But first, a definition:

'back alley hot' - 1)of or pertaining to the attractiveness that some conventionally unattractive people convey; 2) an appearance that one finds simultaneously dirty and incredibly hot.

see also - Kissing Jessica Stein for their discussion on "sexy ugly." ; 3) Someone who in the cold hard light of day would not garner your attention, but you would "fuck in a back alley" (quoted from Jenni).

So this week Casey and I will be listing off some of the most "back alley" hot women that we know of. I won't limit this to women who are still alive - that way Casey is free to pull out some random geologist woman from the 1830's who I have never heard of (and who he is most likely making up) - but my first choice is alive and well.

1) Amy Winehouse

I admit it - I think Amy Winehouse is hot. She can sing and she has a "look." Granted, the look can vary between a scary "slit your throat while you sleep" look and a "I'm skinny enough to make people suspect heroin" look, but in any case I find her incredibly attractive. I know that this is in large part related to her vocal ability, but something about her tattoos and her rehab stints have me curious.

Ms. Winehouse fits the "back alley hot" definition for me because I don't usually go for tattoos and drugs. As shocking as this will be for you readers who follow me closely, I have nary a tattoo. Nor do I do drugs. Typically women who have this type of vibe fascinate me at best, but very rarely do they get me thinking about adding them to my "Free Pass 5" list. Amy Winehouse breaks this mold.

-This is, indeed, an interesting choice of topic. I have no clue who Ms. Winehouse is, but the other morning in the City I heard on one of their odd "mix" stations that she was bailing on rehab. Cool!

Now that I have any effusiveness out of the way, I can get on to business. This topic is sweet. I can think of several girls I wouldn't take home to mom, but the best would be:

2) Connie

Nothing hotter that a chick that doesn't speak English. She looked like something between a terrier and tree monkey, but she worked it well. By being a one night stand. And by thinking I was hot. See, this girl was not from this chunk of rock floating in the World Ocean. Fuck no.

I stumbled upon the true nature of back alley hot. I did it. I liked it. I would never do that again. The girl ran a hot dog stand on Luzon or some crap, I wasn't really listening. She had a body like a quarter tight bed sheet and a face like...well. She had a face. It was dark there in that dungeon of lights, duty free liquor, and crappy Euro-pop. I can't remember it real well but to say didn't look at it on purpose. Also:

She had the same name as my boat. She made a big deal about that. Or something. She wouldn't shut up, but she spoke so beautifully terrible English and she was such a calming port in so terrible a storm that I will always appreciate her in my own way. Good woman.

-Well, now that we have lost half of our readers I don't think it much matters what I say. Connie sounds like someone who is very.....special....and I'm sure your presence broke up the monotony of the hot-dog stand....ah, fuck it, I can't even fake this. All I can imagine is some back alley version of The Bridges of Madison County. I hope she didn't spend sleepless nights awaiting your return.

3) Stacey Ferguson (aka Fergie, aka 'The Duchess')

This one is kind of a tough one to explain. I think that in many circles Fergie is considered just plain hot, but for me I can't fully endorse it in the same was as someone like Shakira or Beyonce. Something about her looks fake, but I believe she has repeatedly claimed to not have had any plastic surgery.....and I'm honestly not sure if that makes things better or worse.

Still, I find myself drawn to her. Mind you, I don't seek her out but it is hard to escape Fergie in the world of Top 40, VH1, MTv, and Verizon commercials. Also, I think I had a crush on her when she was still on Kids Incorporated. This is a point that causes me great shame.

-She is fairly easy to escape in the world of rock nerds and bourbon. I, however, understand what you're getting at with her. She strikes me as that sort of sexy trashy dumb girl you woke up next o on a picnic table in a trailer park. Or something. Fuck, I don't know. I only know of Fergie because of the song Fergalicious, and I only know of that song because I recently have been subjected to pop music with some regularity. Long story.

4) Hot Mormons

I’m going to throw out the hot Mormon chick as a desirable “piece of ass.” Why Mormon? Because, I've never fucked a Mormon girl. I've fucked Catholics, Protestants, Atheists, Agnostics, Baptists, Methodists, Buddhists, etc. But, I've never come close to hitting a Mormon girl. There’s something sacred about a Mormon chick that makes them desirable. They really buy into that shit that “your body is a temple.” That just makes her secret garden all that much more sweet for the plunder. Mormon girls are taught to reject any advances that might lead to sexual exploitation. That, in turn, makes them a highly desired piece of ass…

Personally, what I find so hot about the idea of “fucking a Mormon girl” is that she has “saved her self” for marriage, She has made herself the forbidden fruit. Well, that is that apple that I want to bite. The idea of convincing a girl to go against her “moral principles” is a huge turn-on. The real trick is to use her religion to get laid. It is not as hard as you think….

-Oh boy...I think we may have finally done it - offended every possible ethnicity/religion/person. Um....I'm not really sure what else to say, but I will leave you readers with this: I contributed two of these choices Casey contributed one, and Lord Chimmy added one too. Can you guess who contributed what?

Guesses in comments, and apologies all around (Thanks Chimmy).


Lord Chimmy said...

Damn! I knew I was an asshole, but GSR takes the cake!

I would also suggest that internet fame whore Keyra fits the definition of back alley hot. She sure is sleazy, but what red-blooded male could resist taking that for a ride?

Grad School Reject said...

Oh Chimmy - you flatter me so. I have always thought of myself as bush-league you think I have graduated to major-league?

And seriously - thanks for contributing to this post. Casey could honestly only think of one woman who he considered questionable. I think I respect him more now.

You can call me, 'Sir' said...

Kathy Griffin isn't ugly or particularly sleazy, she's just abrasive. The thing is, though, she's funny and that makes up for a lot of other things. Remember Judy Tenuta? She looked like a foot, but she was hilarious. I'd have done her.

And then there's Blondie from the aptly named, Blondie. You know she was a drug vacuum and you're pretty sure she'd attained a high level of 'skank', but yeah...y'know.

Also, on the creepier side of things...Thelma from Scooby-doo. Knee socks. Glasses. Smart. I'd totally hit that cartoon ass.

Casey said...

Or maybe my standards are that low

cuff said...

Kathy Griffin is about as funny as a dead dog on the side of the road. She is definitely not back alley hot. In fact, I'd only want to be in an alley with her if I had a sock full of quarters...

ChickyBabe said...

Fergie IS fake, and after that incident where she peed her pants on stage, do you still have the hots for her?!?!

cuff said...

I think the answer to chickybabe's question is, even more so.

just kidding.

Lord Chimmy said...

GSR- Welcome to the majors son. And, I think you got your answer straight from the horse's mouth...Casey's standards are just that low.

Whether his standards are lower than mine? That's out for debate.

Jill said...

Ok, I'm not gonna read the comments before I publish my guesses. GSR contributed Amy and Fergie; Casey, Connie; Chimmy, Mormons.

Grad School Reject said...

Jill - You are such a nerd. A correct nerd...but a nerd still.

Claven said...

I so confuse...Casey, I thought you were a Marine not a sailor. What were you doing on an aircraft carrier? A couple of my Marine friends told me about the stripper who could make change with quarters. And the one who could swallow a banana...not with her mouth.

My back alley hot chick would be the chick I saw last year walking out of an alley after just having had sex IN the alley. I will point out that I was not involved in the sex part of the story.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Ellen Barken is the hottest, not-attractive woman ever in Sea of Love with Al Pacino. She's kind of a dog, I mean, "barken'" is her last name, but she's DAMN sexy.